1
00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:20,490
Ha, ha, ha, ha.

2
00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:23,670
The weathermen say it's going to be
bright and sunny.

3
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:27,270
So put your head and coat on and take
your umbrella.

4
00:00:27,830 --> 00:00:29,970
Time for mid -morning medley.

5
00:00:32,090 --> 00:00:35,750
It's so funny how Cocoa Pops always turn
the milk brown, ma 'am.

6
00:00:36,310 --> 00:00:38,770
Nice, political mysteries like that,
Malcolm.

7
00:00:39,170 --> 00:00:43,670
Best not to question them. Just get them
in your garb. That's my philosophy.

8
00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:46,210
Oh?

9
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,319
Oh, that was Jenny from the big house on
the corner.

10
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,140
She's having to mind little Justin for
the day.

11
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,980
She's off to antenatal.

12
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:13,580
None of your face, Malcolm Merton.

13
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,020
He's a lovely boy, Justin.

14
00:01:16,340 --> 00:01:19,100
Very well -mannered and well -brought
up.

15
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,340
So, turn that frown upside down.

16
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,020
I'll do chicken nuggets for lunch.

17
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:26,339
And oven chips.

18
00:01:26,340 --> 00:01:30,480
Yes. And if you're good, we'll have
Neapolitan ice cream for after.

19
00:01:32,430 --> 00:01:34,410
I don't like that just in me, Mum.

20
00:01:34,690 --> 00:01:36,050
I think she's brilliant.

21
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,130
Well, he's a very bright boy.

22
00:01:38,690 --> 00:01:40,930
His mum reckons he'll be off to
university.

23
00:01:41,770 --> 00:01:43,850
Should I go to university, Mum? No.

24
00:01:45,370 --> 00:01:48,290
Now, take this cup of tea up to your dad
for me.

25
00:01:52,050 --> 00:01:54,890
Oh, take his feet out of the bowl for
him.

26
00:02:03,850 --> 00:02:07,570
Stop, hold on, wait a minute, Mr.
Postman.

27
00:02:07,890 --> 00:02:10,190
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr.

28
00:02:10,570 --> 00:02:11,870
Postman. Mr.

29
00:02:12,150 --> 00:02:13,910
Postman, look and see.

30
00:02:14,410 --> 00:02:17,190
If there's a letter in the bag for me.

31
00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:20,170
I've been waiting such a long time.

32
00:02:20,750 --> 00:02:23,950
For this letter, this letter of mine.
Mr.

33
00:02:24,190 --> 00:02:25,190
Postman.

34
00:02:26,170 --> 00:02:27,170
Oh,

35
00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:28,910
very generous, Parker.

36
00:02:29,790 --> 00:02:31,450
Now let's see what we've got.

37
00:02:35,690 --> 00:02:39,050
Oh, I wish your father had stopped
sending off with those standards there,

38
00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:40,050
brochures.

39
00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:42,270
Pop that in the bin for him, son.

40
00:02:43,170 --> 00:02:45,390
Oh, air nails from France.

41
00:02:47,130 --> 00:02:51,670
Tremendous. That'll be off my pen, pal.
Pierre Salmon. Oh, how lovely.

42
00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:55,370
Oh, you've been writing to him since you
were 11.

43
00:02:55,730 --> 00:02:57,330
Every month without fail.

44
00:02:57,690 --> 00:02:58,870
And he's finally replied.

45
00:03:00,010 --> 00:03:02,090
Well, open it.

46
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,650
I'm too excited, ma 'am. You open it for
me.

47
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:10,960
What's it say?

48
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,600
Oh, the Bernica fever.

49
00:03:14,140 --> 00:03:15,240
Hello, Malcolm.

50
00:03:15,620 --> 00:03:16,620
Oh, I think this is good.

51
00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:20,160
I've just received your latest letter,
number 312.

52
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:25,920
Life in Heaton Norris sounds
fascinating, and as you point out

53
00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:27,600
far nicer than London.

54
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:31,420
I love the sound of your fabulous new
sports car.

55
00:03:32,460 --> 00:03:34,360
And pent -out apartments.

56
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,760
I might have made that bit up, Mum.

57
00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:43,550
However... I beg you, please, please,
please, please, stop writing to me.

58
00:03:43,550 --> 00:03:45,090
sincerely Pierre Salmon.

59
00:03:45,650 --> 00:03:46,650
Yes, please.

60
00:03:48,050 --> 00:03:49,050
Hello, Malcolm.

61
00:03:49,130 --> 00:03:51,610
I've just received your latest lesson
number 312.

62
00:03:51,890 --> 00:03:53,370
Life in Eaton, Norwich sounds
fascinating.

63
00:03:53,910 --> 00:03:57,030
And as you point out several times, far
nicer than London.

64
00:03:57,350 --> 00:04:00,770
I love the sound of your fabulous new
sports car and penthouse apartment.

65
00:04:01,130 --> 00:04:04,610
However, I beg you, please, please,
please, please, stop writing to me.

66
00:04:04,610 --> 00:04:06,110
sincerely Pierre Salmon.

67
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,200
What do you think he means?

68
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:15,500
Well, reading between the lines, I think
he doesn't want you to write to him

69
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:16,500
anymore.

70
00:04:21,740 --> 00:04:22,940
Well, I think I was wrong.

71
00:04:23,260 --> 00:04:26,760
Oh, it's nothing but the French in
between, Markham. I think the garlic.

72
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:28,300
Yes,

73
00:04:28,820 --> 00:04:34,020
it does, and onions, and red wine, and
French bread. And dog stewing. No,

74
00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:35,020
going too far.

75
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,180
That's what pays your exchange visits.

76
00:04:40,060 --> 00:04:41,580
May as well unpack your bag.

77
00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:46,340
You're not upset, are you?

78
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,080
No way. I'm going to write straight back
to him and tell him I'm not one bit

79
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,440
bothered. Well, I thought you were the
pen pal.

80
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:55,780
The times in Holland, Fritz and Germany
and just up in Italy.

81
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,760
I think they'll ever reply to me, Mum.
Oh, yes.

82
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:03,800
That Pierre, he was just envious of your
sports car and your penthouse flat,

83
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:04,840
what you made up.

84
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:06,830
He was jealous of my jet -set lifestyle.

85
00:05:07,490 --> 00:05:08,490
Yes.

86
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,230
Shall I pop it in the bin for you?

87
00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:13,430
Yeah, but saving that stamp from the
collection.

88
00:05:13,810 --> 00:05:15,670
Oh, yes, you've not got a French one,
have you?

89
00:05:16,210 --> 00:05:17,450
Not got any yet, ma 'am.

90
00:06:11,469 --> 00:06:13,350
That's nearly it, isn't it, ma 'am?

91
00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:14,590
No.

92
00:06:14,930 --> 00:06:17,310
Your face has got to be more sulky.

93
00:06:18,150 --> 00:06:20,770
Oh, it's no wonder they didn't audition
you.

94
00:06:21,870 --> 00:06:23,150
Let me show you.

95
00:06:26,250 --> 00:06:27,490
Fabulous, Michael, isn't it?

96
00:06:27,870 --> 00:06:32,550
It's my hero, ma 'am. I wish I could
dance like him. Look at all them girls

97
00:06:32,550 --> 00:06:33,550
got.

98
00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:38,950
You've got to let your feet feel the
music like this.

99
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:28,599
No, Malcolm.

100
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:29,600
No, Mr. Capstick.

101
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,080
Would you like a cup of tea, Arthur?

102
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:35,320
Oh, yes, please.

103
00:07:36,340 --> 00:07:37,380
What's Malcolm doing?

104
00:07:37,860 --> 00:07:39,460
He's river dancing, Arthur.

105
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:44,300
River dancing?

106
00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:46,140
I don't know.

107
00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:16,980
Arthur's dodgy ticker. We don't want him
dropping down dead before he's had his

108
00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:17,980
tea.

109
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:19,480
Come on, Arthur.

110
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,740
Arthur. Arthur.

111
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,920
Oh, well, that's enough of that rubbish.

112
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,440
Here's your tea, Freddy Fandango.

113
00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:37,780
Tea for three.

114
00:08:38,140 --> 00:08:39,140
And three for tea.

115
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:41,840
Very good, Arthur.

116
00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:45,420
Would you like some more, little Arthur?

117
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:46,960
Oh, poor loaf.

118
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:48,600
I don't know, eh?

119
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,840
They're all the same, Arthur.

120
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,520
Yes, you're spot on there.

121
00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:10,080
I was round at Peggy Gosworth's last
night.

122
00:09:11,029 --> 00:09:14,150
Her Gordon's picked one of them security
lights in her back garden.

123
00:09:14,590 --> 00:09:15,610
Security light?

124
00:09:16,870 --> 00:09:18,670
Oh, what's she got one of them for?

125
00:09:19,030 --> 00:09:22,490
She's only got that so people think
she's got something worth stealing.

126
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,130
What's a security light, Mr Capstick?

127
00:09:25,490 --> 00:09:28,670
It's for when a burglar comes into your
back garden, they go on.

128
00:09:29,370 --> 00:09:32,770
Doesn't work properly, though. I went
outside to have a look at it and it came

129
00:09:32,770 --> 00:09:35,190
on. I've never stolen anything in my
life.

130
00:09:35,650 --> 00:09:36,870
Oh, dear.

131
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,900
We've got Jenny's conjuncting coming
round in a bit, Arthur.

132
00:09:42,860 --> 00:09:43,980
That'd be nice for Malcolm.

133
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,160
Oh, no, Malcolm doesn't like him.

134
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,980
Why doesn't Malcolm like him?

135
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:49,240
I don't know.

136
00:09:49,660 --> 00:09:51,320
Why don't you like him, Malcolm?

137
00:09:51,740 --> 00:09:52,740
I don't know.

138
00:09:52,780 --> 00:09:54,040
He doesn't know, Arthur.

139
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:55,400
Oh.

140
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,340
Well, I'll pop up to see Mr Merton.

141
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:06,480
I brought him a quarter of Victory Vs.
I'm hoping to have one myself.

142
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,340
Yeah, good, Arthur.

143
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,220
My Malcolm got a letter from France this
morning, Arthur.

144
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:13,780
Did you, Malcolm?

145
00:10:14,060 --> 00:10:15,940
Yeah. That's nice.

146
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:18,680
It's from his pen pal dumping him.

147
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,120
Did you, Malcolm?

148
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,320
Yeah.

149
00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:24,820
That's nice.

150
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:54,860
Ma 'am, can we play that game where I go
out and come back in and do an

151
00:10:54,860 --> 00:10:56,820
impression and you've got to guess who
I'm doing?

152
00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:58,120
The impression game?

153
00:10:58,540 --> 00:10:59,640
Yeah. Yeah.

154
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:01,160
Brilliant. Stay there.

155
00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:02,900
I've got a date. What?

156
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,120
Come in.

157
00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:06,420
Oh.

158
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,280
Oh.

159
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,520
I don't know. Hey.

160
00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:12,380
Where's my cat?

161
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,340
It's on me head.

162
00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:19,270
Should have popped up and seen Mr Merton
and bought him a quarter of a victory

163
00:11:19,270 --> 00:11:19,969
of ease.

164
00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:23,050
Where have I put him? I don't know, eh?

165
00:11:24,330 --> 00:11:25,410
Is it Arthur?

166
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,310
You're spot on, Dorothy.

167
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:30,210
I've got another one. Hold on.

168
00:11:33,690 --> 00:11:34,690
Stop it, Malcolm.

169
00:11:35,090 --> 00:11:36,090
Stop it, Malcolm.

170
00:11:37,950 --> 00:11:38,950
I've got another.

171
00:11:39,550 --> 00:11:41,030
Let's look at the clues.

172
00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:43,570
A bread bin.

173
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:45,800
An ironing board.

174
00:11:46,060 --> 00:11:47,780
A kitchen roll well.

175
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,860
Who lives in a house like this?

176
00:11:51,380 --> 00:11:52,700
I don't know.

177
00:11:53,260 --> 00:11:55,040
Do get the program, you then.

178
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,200
More well slope.

179
00:12:00,180 --> 00:12:05,300
Stupendous. Let's cogitate, ruminate,
and digest for a moment.

180
00:12:05,860 --> 00:12:07,300
Is it like Grossman?

181
00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:10,960
I'm great at this game, aren't you, Mum?
Yes.

182
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:12,580
Brilliant. Yeah.

183
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,160
I'm just going to the toilet.

184
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:15,500
Oh, George Michael?

185
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,400
No, I am going to the toilet.

186
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:18,700
Oh.

187
00:12:23,740 --> 00:12:27,340
Oh, no, don't worry, Jenny. You'll be
fine here with me and Malcolm.

188
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,620
How are you, Mrs Merton? Are you keeping
well?

189
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,480
Yes, thank you, Justin.

190
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,320
Do you want to come through? Malcolm's
through here.

191
00:12:34,780 --> 00:12:36,460
Oh, I take out.

192
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,180
Thank you, Mrs Merton.

193
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:39,680
Hello, Malcolm.

194
00:12:39,780 --> 00:12:40,780
Hello, Justin.

195
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,360
Don't sit down, Justin.

196
00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:50,880
So, you're right, Justin.

197
00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:55,740
You're going to have a new baby brother
or baby sister soon, aren't you? Which

198
00:12:55,740 --> 00:12:56,739
would you prefer?

199
00:12:56,740 --> 00:12:58,640
Well, I don't mind, so long as it's
healthy.

200
00:12:58,980 --> 00:13:00,320
Yes, quite right.

201
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:05,460
It's quite fortunate, really, because
Mummy says an only child tends to grow

202
00:13:05,460 --> 00:13:06,460
socially inept.

203
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:08,380
No, no, you're wrong there.

204
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:10,700
My Malcolm's an only child.

205
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,099
Aren't you, Malcolm?

206
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:12,899
Yes, Mum.

207
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:14,480
Do you know what we're having for lunch,
Justin?

208
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:16,420
Chicken nuggets. And chips.

209
00:13:16,620 --> 00:13:18,180
I'm sorry, I don't eat chicken.

210
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:20,060
I'm a vegetarian now.

211
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:21,440
Oh.

212
00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,600
Well, we'll just chips be all right.

213
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,920
It's Neapolitan ice cream for afters.
That's fine, thanks.

214
00:13:27,780 --> 00:13:30,020
Now, who'd like a glass of pop?

215
00:13:30,380 --> 00:13:31,219
Me, me, me!

216
00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:32,460
Have you got orange juice?

217
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,560
Yeah. Is it fresh?

218
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,280
Well, freshly diluted.

219
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:37,780
I'm fine, thanks.

220
00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:39,140
Right.

221
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,780
Now... What shall we play?

222
00:13:42,060 --> 00:13:43,460
Have you got Trivial Pursuit?

223
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,120
No, we've got Snakes and Ladders.

224
00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:47,480
Yes! No, we've grown out of that.

225
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:48,800
It's all right, ma 'am.

226
00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:50,300
Have you got Cluedo?

227
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:52,860
No. It's Malcolm Bad Nightmares.

228
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:55,500
I quite like Monopoly.

229
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,300
Yes, and Malcolm's very good at that.

230
00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:00,260
Nip upstairs and get it, Malcolm.

231
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,040
It's in your box room on top of the
wardrobe, underneath your kerplunk.

232
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:12,990
So? Not long now before that dog brings
a happy little bundle to Justin.

233
00:14:13,690 --> 00:14:15,730
Mummy has decided to have a water birth.

234
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,550
Oh, I see.

235
00:14:17,850 --> 00:14:19,830
Did you have an epidural with Malcolm?

236
00:14:20,950 --> 00:14:24,110
Oh, where's my Malcolm without Monopoly?

237
00:14:26,590 --> 00:14:30,490
I'll be the top hat if I may. No, I'm
more the top hat, aren't I, Mum?

238
00:14:30,790 --> 00:14:32,490
Malcolm, Justin's the guest.

239
00:14:32,850 --> 00:14:34,970
If he wants to be the top hat, then he
can be.

240
00:14:35,310 --> 00:14:38,030
No, no, I'm just as happy being the
racing car.

241
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,520
I'll be the iron as usual.

242
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,160
And I'm the oldest, so I'll be the
banker.

243
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:44,640
What's the money again?

244
00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:49,100
Two five hundreds, four one hundreds,
one fifty, one twenty, two tens, one

245
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:50,100
five... And five ones.

246
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,840
Well, that's me out.

247
00:14:57,260 --> 00:14:59,180
You're quite good at this game, Justin.

248
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,860
Thank you, Mrs Merton.

249
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:04,120
Just you two left now.

250
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,860
Oh, it's getting very exciting and
tense.

251
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:16,300
One, two, three, four, five, six.

252
00:15:16,620 --> 00:15:17,900
Yes, pay rent.

253
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,300
Oh, that was a wise investment, Malcolm.

254
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,360
£25 change, please.

255
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:27,260
Malcolm, what are you doing with the
station?

256
00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:31,040
Train spotting? Yes, Malcolm loves train
spotting.

257
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,560
Oh, you must come with us one time just
in, down to Stockport Station.

258
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:35,920
No, thank you.

259
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,860
Oh, hold the game whilst I answer the
phone.

260
00:15:41,610 --> 00:15:45,630
You do realise you've absolutely no
chance of beating me, Malcolm.

261
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,150
I'm not bothered anyway.

262
00:15:47,890 --> 00:15:49,130
That's just as well.

263
00:15:49,870 --> 00:15:51,710
Have you got a girlfriend yet?

264
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:53,850
I might have.

265
00:15:54,130 --> 00:15:55,310
I don't think you have.

266
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,390
Have you?

267
00:15:58,410 --> 00:16:02,470
Well, there's several girls interested
in me, but I prefer to concentrate on my

268
00:16:02,470 --> 00:16:03,710
education for the moment.

269
00:16:04,250 --> 00:16:05,510
That's what I'm doing then.

270
00:16:06,270 --> 00:16:09,610
Of course, games like this are
completely outmoded nowadays.

271
00:16:10,510 --> 00:16:12,070
Everyone's into computer games.

272
00:16:12,670 --> 00:16:14,430
Have you got Tomb Raider 2?

273
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:19,730
No. Have you got Tomb Raider 1?

274
00:16:21,670 --> 00:16:25,030
No. Have you got any computer games?

275
00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:27,990
No. Have you got a computer?

276
00:16:28,410 --> 00:16:29,410
No.

277
00:16:30,110 --> 00:16:31,230
Got Buckaroo.

278
00:16:34,509 --> 00:16:39,950
1 ,000, 2 ,000, 3 ,000, 4 ,000. That was
your mum, Justin.

279
00:16:40,350 --> 00:16:42,070
She was ringing to see how you were.

280
00:16:42,390 --> 00:16:45,530
I said, you two are getting on like a
house on fire.

281
00:16:48,230 --> 00:16:50,290
Right, who'd go with this?

282
00:16:50,670 --> 00:16:51,670
Me.

283
00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:10,829
and with a hotel.

284
00:17:11,369 --> 00:17:12,450
That's a dear do.

285
00:17:12,910 --> 00:17:15,609
£2 ,000, please, Malcolm.

286
00:17:18,010 --> 00:17:19,010
They owe it you.

287
00:17:21,849 --> 00:17:26,369
Then I played King Herod in the school
nativity and the headteacher said it was

288
00:17:26,369 --> 00:17:30,290
the most magnificent portrayal she'd
ever seen in all her years of teaching.

289
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:31,809
Oh.

290
00:17:31,810 --> 00:17:35,370
My Malcolm was in the school nativity.
He played one of the kings.

291
00:17:35,590 --> 00:17:36,590
Which king was it?

292
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:40,610
Well, you know, the one that's a little
bit bedazzled by the whole affair and

293
00:17:40,610 --> 00:17:43,710
doesn't really seem to know what's going
on. Him.

294
00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:45,030
That one.

295
00:17:45,210 --> 00:17:46,310
Oh, it was wonderful.

296
00:17:46,790 --> 00:17:50,830
I remember his teacher, Mr Harry, as he
stood at the side of the stage in tears.

297
00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:52,770
What was the year after that, ma 'am?

298
00:17:53,090 --> 00:17:57,450
Oh, you were the understudy for one of
the boys in the back of the crowd scene.

299
00:17:57,790 --> 00:17:58,790
Oh, yeah.

300
00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:02,570
So, what's he going to be when he gets
older, Justin?

301
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:04,580
A fireman or a train driver.

302
00:18:04,940 --> 00:18:08,020
I don't think I'm quite picked out for
manual work.

303
00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:11,680
I was thinking of dabbling in stocks and
shares like my daddy.

304
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,300
Oh.

305
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,340
My Malcolm works in a pet shop.

306
00:18:15,780 --> 00:18:16,780
Don't you, Malcolm?

307
00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:17,779
Yes, ma 'am.

308
00:18:17,780 --> 00:18:20,740
He's completely in charge of all the
food and rubber toys.

309
00:18:20,980 --> 00:18:23,480
And in a couple of months he's going to
be allowed to handle the animals.

310
00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:25,920
I love chips, ma 'am.

311
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,140
I don't usually have chips.

312
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:31,740
Mummy says chips for people with no
culinary imagination.

313
00:18:33,150 --> 00:18:34,830
What sort of food does Mummy make?

314
00:18:35,110 --> 00:18:39,070
Couscous, hummus, courgettes, three
parcels made with filo pastry.

315
00:18:39,330 --> 00:18:40,390
That's my favourite.

316
00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:42,130
Do we have that, Mum?

317
00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:45,090
Yes, but not tonight, Malcolm. It's
called beef.

318
00:18:46,770 --> 00:18:47,770
Tremendo!

319
00:18:48,370 --> 00:18:51,350
Right, who'd like a wafer with a
Neapolitan?

320
00:18:52,550 --> 00:18:54,670
Oh, there's nothing nancy about cooking.

321
00:18:55,350 --> 00:18:57,570
Some of the best chefs in the world are
men.

322
00:18:58,370 --> 00:18:59,870
Luca Tansley -Harriot.

323
00:19:01,180 --> 00:19:02,880
Who's your favourite cook, Justin?

324
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,060
Probably Marco Pierre White.

325
00:19:05,340 --> 00:19:08,820
But on a more pedestrian level, I'm
quite partial to Robert Carrier.

326
00:19:09,580 --> 00:19:12,420
Malcolm likes that Fern Britton from
Ready Steady Cook.

327
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,900
And Delia, ma 'am. Oh, yes, and Delia.

328
00:19:16,220 --> 00:19:17,780
Everyone likes Delia.

329
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:22,100
Mind you, I was reading an article, and
it said when she gets home of an

330
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:23,960
evening, she can't be bothered to cook.

331
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,620
She just takes her tights off and lives
off takeaways.

332
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,500
Next year I'm hoping to enter the BBC
Junior MasterChef competition.

333
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:34,100
Oh, I know you.

334
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,240
My, Malcolm tried to enter that.

335
00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:37,500
Didn't you, Malcolm?

336
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,460
Yeah. What are you hoping to make,
Justin?

337
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,920
Salmon sauvage on a bed of warm salt to
start with.

338
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,960
Lamb noisettes glazed with red currant
sauce.

339
00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:51,720
And creme brulee with chilled wild
blackberry coulis for dessert.

340
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,620
Oh, sounds lovely.

341
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,900
What was your recipe, Malcolm?

342
00:19:56,220 --> 00:19:57,780
Egg chopped up in a cup and a lamb's
head.

343
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:03,000
And he never bothered replying, Lloyd
Grossman, did he? Too busy nosing round

344
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,140
other people's houses.

345
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:08,720
Do you like that through the keyhole,
Justin? I don't think I've ever seen it.

346
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:09,900
Oh, have you not?

347
00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:13,980
Oh, Malcolm, do you remember when he
went to Carla Lane's home?

348
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,160
Oh, all the dog hairs.

349
00:20:16,420 --> 00:20:20,020
When Lloyd got off that pussy, the back
of his flax were covered in them.

350
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,280
Malcolm, don't be so bad on it. It's
only pastry.

351
00:20:27,690 --> 00:20:28,690
Not Susan Brooke.

352
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:35,730
Oh, I might be a bit late in saying
this, but did you wash your hands after

353
00:20:35,730 --> 00:20:36,730
went to the toilet?

354
00:20:43,170 --> 00:20:47,310
Oh, they're absolutely lovely, Justin.

355
00:20:54,250 --> 00:20:56,310
You can take those home for Mummy and
Daddy, Justin.

356
00:20:56,550 --> 00:20:58,990
I will. That's very kind of you, Mrs
Merton.

357
00:20:59,450 --> 00:21:00,910
You can take some of mine as well.

358
00:21:01,450 --> 00:21:03,050
No, I really couldn't.

359
00:21:04,610 --> 00:21:08,490
Right, I'm going to nip up and see you,
Dad, and change his dressing.

360
00:21:09,190 --> 00:21:13,070
How one star can make so much puss, I'll
never know.

361
00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:17,210
Oh, there's an egg clipper in the fridge
for both of you.

362
00:21:20,790 --> 00:21:23,330
Malcolm, your tart looked barely edible.

363
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,600
Well, cooking's not my strong point,
really.

364
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:28,660
Monopoly's not that for sure.

365
00:21:29,660 --> 00:21:31,200
What is one wonders?

366
00:21:32,380 --> 00:21:33,380
Right.

367
00:21:37,220 --> 00:21:38,220
Eleven.

368
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:44,620
Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

369
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,040
Two.

370
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:53,880
Double wrong.

371
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,600
One, two, blabber.

372
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,060
Extra turn. Why?

373
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:00,580
I threw a double.

374
00:22:02,980 --> 00:22:06,900
Four, two, three, home.

375
00:23:19,939 --> 00:23:23,260
Seventy -six trombones led the big
parade.

376
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:27,000
With a hundred and ten cornets close at
hand.

377
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,000
They were followed by rows and rows.

378
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,580
Yes! What a lovely way to finish off,
Gwen.

379
00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:17,400
Surely we need a tiebreaker.

380
00:24:17,780 --> 00:24:19,300
There must be a winner.

381
00:24:25,620 --> 00:24:28,340
Come on, Malcolm. Just this one to win.

382
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:37,740
My turn, I think.

383
00:25:16,899 --> 00:25:18,920
I won, didn't I, ma 'am? Yeah.

384
00:25:19,780 --> 00:25:22,840
Oh, I was so proud of you, son.

385
00:25:23,220 --> 00:25:26,200
He wouldn't have his photo taken with me
at the end, would he, ma 'am?

386
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:28,820
No, he was a sore loser, Justin.

387
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:30,720
He was a big head, wasn't he, ma 'am?

388
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,480
Yes, till he met his match with you.

389
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,260
Oh, freshly squeezed orange juice of a
weekday.

390
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:44,620
Sometimes I realise how lucky I am to
have you as my son, Mark Merton.

391
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,380
Night, night. Sleep tight.

392
00:25:48,460 --> 00:25:49,880
Don't let the bad bugs bite.

393
00:25:54,060 --> 00:25:57,380
I'll leave the landing light on for you,
champion.

394
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:06,560
Oh, I wish he could have seen his little
face when he won.

395
00:26:06,940 --> 00:26:11,100
Oh, it's moments like that that make
life worthwhile.

396
00:26:12,220 --> 00:26:14,500
He's not let it go to his head, though.

397
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,420
If these two have taken it all, then
it's tried.